Fear of Flying - Entry 1

One of my motivations for starting this blog was to create a space where I could creatively work through my fear of flying. Right now, my plan is to post a few entries prior to the flight, and hopefully write an entry while in-flight. The in-flight posting will in part be an attempt at self-distraction, though I doubt it will work, but more importantly it will be a real-time record of my experience that I can reflect on once I'm back on the ground (fingers' crossed).

Writing about my fear of flying is proving to be incredibly hard - I've actually re-rewritten a few sentences already, which is so unlike me, since I'm more of a blurt-it-all-out-don't-even-think-about-what-you're-writing type of writer. For me the mere suggestion of flying provokes a fear response in me, so writing about it - I mean, my hands are all shaky and I'm typing sloppy and thinking too fast and everything. Isn't that so odd, that the body can respond to a stimulus that isn't there, the idea of the stimulus?

Anyway, I have two reasons for writing this first fear of flying post:

1. I just had to book a round-trip flight to Florida for next weekend (Niko's grandpa passed away - we got to see him in May, though, which was nice), which means I've got to fly NEXT WEEKEND, a good eight weeks before I thought I was getting on a plane.

2. I just booked us our tickets from Chicago to San Francisco, the second leg of our trip out there. It means we're going, and we're flying, definitely flying.

I've had two fear of flying sessions so far with an art therapist who kicks serious ass, but now that I'm flying NEXT WEEK I'll probably need to get in there one more time. Oh, and I hear Ambien works well, so I'm gonna try to score that too (if any of you already have some Ambien lying around let me know). Although the thought of Ambien is pretty funny, since it's been known to make people sleep-eat and sleep-drive and such. I wonder what kind of behavior I'll exhibit while all drugged up - will I try to eat the food off other people's airline trays while sleeping? Actually, would anyone really care if I ate their airline food?

What's great about every flight I have to take between now and SF is that Niko and at least one other person I know will be on each flight. For Florida, we're going with Niko's mom, stepdad, and half-brother Dylan, who is 8 and couldn't care less about flying. From New York to Chicago, I've got a handful of friends, and from Chicago to SF, yet another friend. I must tell you I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that it all worked out. I worked hard to arrange my flights this way, because:

1. I'm pretty convinced none of these people will die on airplanes - it just wouldn't suit them (think I'm crazy yet?).

2. The more people I know on the plane, the less likely it is that I'll make a damn fool of myself by flipping out.

And by flipping out what exactly do I mean? It's kind of a 'you-name-it, I've-done-it' thing - crying, yelling, kicking, curling up into a ball, getting sick (at the terminal, on the plane, and for a while any time I had to pick someone up or drop someone off at the airport), crying, holding my ears shut, putting blankets over my head - and did I mention crying? Oh, and once, a few years ago, I totally dug my nails into my friend's thigh on a flight home from Paris and marked him up pretty good.

But no worries, because I REALLY don't like looking like a fool in front of people I know (scarred-leg friend aside). Well, not that kind of fool - the crazy kind. I can tolerate being the tipsy kind of fool (Ambien mixers, anyone?).

During the day I handle my impending flights pretty well, but I'm starting to lie in bed at night and think bad thoughts. I'd really like to put an end to that. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know. I gots to schedule me another fear of flying session. Will write again after that.

The search continues...

I am nearing my wit's end, I can feel it. I've been checking craigslist religiously for weeks now, and I've been searching on vacation rental sites and corporate rental sites, and I've been emailing at least ten people a day, and NOTHING IS WORKING OUT! I've had a few sublet situations come up that are so close, so close!, but for one reason or another they just don't quite fit and we strike out. At the moment, we've got two possible options that look ok - one that's near perfect except for the fact that it's beyond our budget, and one just for the month of October that's way below budget but in sketch-town.

Now, I know the right thing to do is be patient and wait for the right situation to present itself - I know that, believe me I do. But come ON people - how come I was on top of my shit in subletting my place in Bay Ridge a good six weeks ago and yet it's rare to even find a craigslist posting that applies to the month of October yet? How come I can rent at an affordable rate and not stand to make any profit and yet I KNOW some of the SF sublets I'm looking at are asking way over what they pay? Am I the only reasonable, responsible person out there, or am I just too naive to see the way the world works?

Tell me - am I the champ or am I the chump?