Fear of Flying - Entry Two

With now just a few days before we start our journey West - we take off for Chicago Friday morning! - my anxiety is beginning to build over the two flights we'll need to take in order to get to San Francisco. Whenever someone tries to tell me goodbye, I'm always sure to add 'for now' so as not to tempt fate to make this the very last time I say goodbye to this person. Or when Niko says 'just one more week and we're gone' I say 'no, one more week and we go to San Francisco'. That's totally lame and annoying, I know. I'm going to try to stop doing that.

My anxiety stops me from being too happy about the move - which is crazy, because really I'm bursting at the seams with excitement. But knowing that I've got to survive Friday's Chicago flight AND Sunday's San Francisco flight - well, that's tough. It's hard to see past that. I consider two flights in one weekend nearly insurmountable. I feel like thinking beyond the flight is foolish, because the odds of actually making it to SF alive are so slim (the odds of crashing are actually like one in a billion, but come on, how do you tell that to an unreasonable instinct?).

I'm also starting to have those kind of nervous episodes at night - racing heart, racing thoughts, shallow breaths, terrifying scenarios playing out - which I don't enjoy very much. That's probably what's behind all the recent anxiety - the fearful thoughts I can't seem to wish away, coupled with the involuntary physical reaction. You'd think the fear of flying causes the physical reaction, but could it also be that the physical reaction causes the fear of flying? I mean, if the mere thought of being in an airplane triggers the signs of some kind of major bodily meltdown, why wouldn't I do everything in my power to avoid having to think about it? So I develop a phobia that generally keeps me grounded, thus eliminating my brain's need to think about it.

One of the things I'd talked about in my fear of flying therapy sessions was the reaction my body has to flying; the thought is if I can isolate the sensations from each other, as well as isolate them from thoughts about flying, I can significantly decrease my fear. For example, as the plane is speeding up on the runway getting ready for takeoff, that kind of crushing feeling you get in your chest from sheer velocity is very similar to the racing heart and shortened breath feeling you get when you're scared. If I can remind myself while we're speeding up that I am not, in fact, growing short of breath or having a heart attack or some other life-threatening episode - rather, I'm acting out a physics 101 lesson - there's a chance I can prevent the snowball effect of a panic attack.

I don't know - it's a really interesting thought, a thoughtful approach to the fear. If I'm not too scared to remember this post, I may actually experiment with it on Friday.